The Bad Day

Yesterday was sort of unpleasant. Bodily, I was completely exhausted and on top of that I was really stressed out because I have so little time to make decisions about my exhibition. I just felt really crappy, through and through. Maybe it's the stress or some kind of post-partum depression of taking so many photos and feeling that this is as far as my work will go on this residency because I don't have time to do anything else. Often after a project, you feel really empty. You think you should be happy or satisfied, but you're just empty.

Maybe it's jet lag or maybe the montly perks of that super great club that most women have the pleasure of belonging to. But I was really tired, really cranky and really depressed. I think I still am, I had to get up really early and this was maybe the first time here in Japan when I actually was sleepy in the morning.

I sometimes miss home. The feeling is really strange because it's entirely possible to miss home and never want to leave at the same time. Well, to say I never want to leave would be an overstatement but I sort of don't want the residency and the experience to end but at the same time, I want to go home. I wish I had some kind of a teleportation device at hand and could just pop by every time I wanted to.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't appreciate being here or that I wouldn't be curious about Japan and love to explore and see new stuff. There just are days when nothing seems to go well and you're really tired with everything. At the end of that kind of day, you really want nothing more than to curl up in your bed, turn off the lights, hear the cat padding in and purring while he settles down in his own chair and just bury yourself in the dark and pretend you can stay under the covers for the rest of your life.

I miss driving a car. I want to eat my yoghurt and my cereal (the gluten-free kind that doesn't have sugar. Lord knows I love sugar but not in my yoghurt and cereal), I want my clothes to smell like my clothes and not the way they smell here, of somebody else's house and somebody else's closets. I want to stop being hot all the time. I want to go outside and actually enjoy the weather.

I want to go to a toilet that doesn't smell like that weird lavendar thing they use here everywhere. I want to go to a toilet I understand. Not the kind with all the buttons and a lot of text I just can't get and I can't even be sure how I can flush. There's something to be said for a warm toilet seat, though.

I hate to bitch because I'm here, in a new country, surrounded by new experiences but at the same time, my body is really tired now. I can barely stay awake and I took two naps yesterday. I probably have to do the same thing today. I have horrible cramps.

And I'm not at all sure my work is good or tolerable and I hate being so unsure about my work. I want to go swimming but I can't!

I'll just quote my idol Kimmy Schmidt now, I think:


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