The Exploration

The weather has been sunny for the past few days. The snow melts fast, though I'm pretty sure we haven't seen our last snow yet for this spring. It might snow tomorrow. But yesterday and today, the sun came out and it was actually hot outside! Maybe not hot for real, but hot for an arctic place with snow. People came out, sat at the harbor and the air smelled of spring. My skin smells like sun now. I'm starting to think Greenland is one of those places where when the weather is bad, it's really bad but when it's good, it's really amazing.

I've walking around a lot now that it's a bit easier. It's interesting to see the same places with much less snow. I never knew there was a ditch in front of the museum! Or that I had a table at my balcony! The city looks somehow smaller without the mountains of snow pushed at the sides of the roads. Doesn't mean there still isn't snow, just less.

I found this thing on the a beach a few days ago. I think it's part of a whale, maybe a vertebrae. It's amazing and gorgeous and I'm very sad it's too big for me to take with me.

I adore the texture and I also maybe want to paint it black and have it in my living room. Somewhere in Finland, my boyfriend suddenly feels a very big swell of gratitude that bone is heavy and won't know why. I also found other cute things at the beach, though now I'm maybe a bit bored with the beach. In some ways it's quite similar to Japan. The rocks are fun but only to an extent, I guess?

I'm in a kind of in a holding pattern with my project. As there are a lot of moving parts and lot of people involved, I have to go with so many different kinds of timetables that in the end very little rests on how I'm available. I understand it, but it makes it a bit hard to manage my own time. And it can be frustrating. I don't know how I, the lady who tends to be isolated and a grumpy loner, ends up doing projects where many things are completely dependent on other people. I don't know why I end up doing a lot with other people when I'm usually really intimidated by almost everything concerning being social and don't often know how to act around others. Even if I think I'm being normal and/or relaxed, I still usually end up doing or saying something super weird. I hate this social awkwardness, especially in a place where I have to rely on the kindness of a lot of strangers. But what can you do? Can't magic it away.

Like every single time I do a project, I wonder if I'm doing anything useful or if I'm doing anything at all. Because of the circumstances with people's timetables and the snow not making shooting photos in nature very easy, I haven't actually taken that many photos for the project itself yet. Which makes me feel uncomfortable because I know that if I'd taken some, I'd know where I am and I'd have an idea of what things will look like. Plus taking artsy photos with cool women always makes me feel better. It's a drug in its own right. Now I feel lost without it. But again, what are you gonna do? Nothing. Just wait. I've written one essay/article type of thing about my project and I'm actually working on two installations, or mixed media art, however you want to put it. It's new, I usually stick to photography. I want to try writing and I'd love to do more video but I'm not really sure of anything. Just trying everything out and in the end I might spread myself too thin.

I think my problem with art is that I like to try out a lot of stuff but I don't commit. I just do something and then go from there. Like I don't always have names for all of my photos. I sometimes have names for a group of photos and sometimes just a concept and that's it. If I worked with curators more, I'm sure I'd drive them insane. Like right now, I feel my concept can handle having photos, mixed media, an essay and then maybe video and I feel okay about that. But in the end it might come out messy. If I can ever finish this. I'm always afraid of not being cohesive, or having to justify to somebody why this thing sticks out like a sore thumb or why I have two pieces of installations and not three, or just one, because two is such an awkward number. But so far I just haven't gotten a third idea and that's it.

I should be fine with this. I should be fine with deciding and not constantly be looking for a validation or an okay from someone else. But I've been working for a year under a boss who's very sure of what he wants, even if he is open to discussion. I'm used to having a few options and presenting them to him and then moving on from there. I always have to think of all the options through so they are things I can deal with and usually I'm fine with any of them. So now I'm building options left and right and I don't have anybody telling me which is the best. I probably don't trust myself to make the right decision.

Personal demons are doing me a significant frustrate, to quote my current favorite doggie meme. Please release, personal demons.

I also went walking around Qinngorput the other day. The hill looks really steep but it's actually not that bad and since the snow is going, there's a lot of sticky rock available. It's easy to climb higher and higher. I walked up to the end of the road to the point where you have a lot of containers and then continued on. At some point, I spotted an old house on a beach not that far away! You can imagine my excitement.

It was pretty far and between me and the house there was this pretty steep cliff covered in ice. If it's snow and rocks, I can do it, as long as I keep some stones between me and the ocean so if I slip, the rocks will stop me. But this part was really steep and there were no rocks to hold on to on the ice. So I think I'll have to wait for a while and maybe try later. I'm pretty convinced I could make it there. And I mean, somebody built it and was going to use it, so there should be a way there?

I also saw an eagle! It was having an argument with the ravens. Then it floated directly above me for a while, just quietly but also really insistently so that it looked like it was thinking about eating me. I'm still alive, eagle, don't eat me! It went away eventually. People have told me there's usually one eagle around here and it's called Benny, but it could be that's just weird stuff people tell outsiders to make them look stupid, so, I don't know. Maybe it's Benny, maybe it's someone else.

(Sorry crap photos, I had my long lense but things are sometimes really far away!)


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