The Other Mountain

Yesterday I went and climbed up a mountain. Or a hill? I don't really know the difference. I was going to climb up to Circus Lake (no, I don't know why it's called Circus Lake) but then took a little detour because I'm that sort of person and ended up wandering around on the mountain on the left side of the lake, if you look at the lake from the big road. Not big Malene. Can't go up that thing and too scared to even try.

I've long admired the stony walls around Circus Lake, but sadly there was still a lot of snow around so the white dots look kind of a bummer. The lake itself was still frozen so I could barely tell where it was. I'm sure it's really lovely and a good spot for photos in summer but in this weather, it was pretty devoid of color. The clouds have been really low the past two days and we're getting random showers of snow or icy rain. Everything is grey.

I used to like to imagine that the scene in Arrival where aliens come to Greenland was shot near Circus Lake. I doubt it's true, though, I couldn't find any mentions of them shooting any scenes in Greenland and even if they had, well, it probably would have been just a local crew shooting a background plate for them. Anyway. It kinda looked like this place, a bit. And it was nice to imagine. I liked that movie.

I wondered around a bit, it's quite steep uphill but most of the snow has gone and the rocks aren't that slippery anymore. I went pretty high and found a cute little waterfall. I've gotten tolerably good at coming up and down steep hills, by the way. I came down from a different path that was really tricky and a few times I was a bit scared but I did really well, actually. I didn't really slip once and only sank in the snow a bit.

You can see pretty far from up there, or you could, if you weren't hampered by the cloud of fog that hovers around big Malene. I'm a bit sad that my last days here seem to be gloomy. But Greenland has never cared about what I think, so it's a moot point. I'm still debating whether I should spend my last dimes on one more cruise. I've had a lot of cruises. Maybe three now? But I haven't been able to see anything else of Greenland than Nuuk, or that's at least how I've justified it to myself. I wish I would have had an opportunity (and money) to fly to Ilulissat or somewhere in the south but well, I haven't. I want to see as much here as possible, but I also do want to be able to pay my bills when I go home. But it's only money, right?

I feel I'm just waiting around now. There are a few things I still need to do for my project but only a few and well, the rest is just me sitting around and waiting for the plane to leave I guess. Hoping against hope that my stuff would pack itself. And that Air Greenland wouldn't charge me too much for overweight baggage, but it will, I know that. I haven't bought so much here, not like in Japan where I had an obscene amount of stuff to get back home. But I came here with a full bag and I've had to buy some stuff for my shoots I'd rather not give or throw away. And a few tops because I've just gotten really sick of wearing the same three tops I have for two months. What I'm most looking forward to when I go home is a really, really long, hot shower and being able to wear something I haven't been forced to look at everyday. Even if we all know I will wear the same sweats I wear in here. I wouldn't know how to live without those sweats.

Just a few more days. It feels surreal. These two months have felt very long and my feelings have varied so much here. I've had really hard days and difficult moments. I don't know why, maybe because my head is just that sort or because I had a particularly hard time adjusting here. Maybe it's because this place reminds me of home. Maybe I'm in a bad place, mentally. Who the hell knows.

I wish things weren't often so hard on me. I know it might seem like I make things hard for myself but I honestly really try not to. I just don't often feel very good. Small things make me anxious or sad or whatever. I do try not being negative but the negative thoughts come and they're just there and no amount of trying to drive them away makes them go away. A long time ago, I decided I would rather be sad and depressed and think the thoughts that come than keep trying to put on a show. I'd rather be honestly sad than fake happy, you know? I still don't enjoy those being the only options often available to me. I am officially depressed, yes, and I have treatment that I think is tolerable considering where I live and how much I'm able to pay for treatment. But that dark undertone in my life just doesn't change. It's either vaguely tolerable or horrible. I often say it's like eating cardboard. Life doesn't really taste anything and sometimes I despair of having only cardboard to eat, so to say. Not sure where to go with this.

Sorry for going there. But there I went. I've been listening to a lot of music from the early 2000s, like Goo Goo Dolls and other stuff. Brings back memories from my sort-of-emo days (as if they ever really ended). Maybe that's it. My arthritis is also seriously acting up and it's hard to find a sitting position where my knees don't hurt so I guess that also makes me a bit grumpy.

Maybe tomorrow will be sunny. I'll have some cake and look at pictures of cats.


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